Bye 2024
Ah, the holidays…in 2023, I huddled in my apartment with one of my best friends, Melanie, and just watched bad Christmas movies. This year I made a point to make space to celebrate.
It is pretty weird to experience a holiday with the undertone of “will this be my last Christmas?” (I hope not. I really hope not.) I decided to go all out. I got a real Christmas tree. Technically, I had two because I cut down the most pathetic tree on Mount Hood I could find with a $5 permit. It was so much fun as an experience, but I think if I had more stamina & snow shoes, I probably would have been able to find something better. I got gifts and went to a Christmas Eve party at one of my best friend’s (Francesca, or French Jessica, as I like to call her) family home. My Christmas was cozy and spent with my younger sibling and mom at my apartment, surrounded by animals and snacks.
I did unfortunately end up having the shingles virus start acting up on the night of Christmas which sent me to the ER three times over the past few weeks. So I’ve been playing Animal Crossing and doing diamond art while watching TV to pass the time.
On New Year’s Eve, my normal reflections weren’t really anything about setting goals, but rather setting the intention to make it to 2026, stronger and kinder with better boundaries and more skills.
A few months ago I had a reading that said that I needed to change my focus from growth to allowing myself to feel my feelings and I think I’ve been doing that. It’s really hard not to put focus on growth because that’s all I’ve been doing for the past five years. Facing the harder parts of the path I’ve been on is scary. A lot of what I’ve been writing lately acknowledges the fear and devastation I feel, but I don’t know how to express it in a way that helps me feel any release.
I think the fact of the matter is that I can see the child version of myself and that part of me is just terrified with no idea how to navigate any of it. I wish I could hold her and tell her it’s going to be okay, but it would be a lie to say that. It would sugar coat the reality and I can’t (in my current self) swallow something that feels false.
When I look at myself in the mirror all I can see is the scared five year old me looking for any comfort in this hellish tragedy. I feel small and alone. It’s really hard to be in that space for any amount of time, but it’s what I feel. I know what’s coming down the line, but I just can’t see it yet. Waiting for the other shoe to drop & anticipating the next part of this is really a consuming part of the place I’m in.
As I look back on the year I’ve had, I honestly didn’t know how to survive at any point of this, but I did. I survived it. That’s something I can be proud of, but what I’m proud of most is that I have been vulnerable. It’s a hard skill to acquire because it is so revealing, but being able to actually present my feelings honestly feels liberating. I am not scared to talk about the “taboo” subject that was thrust upon me this year. Facing your mortality is terrifying. Talking about death is a really hard subject and so many people shy away from it because of the discomfort it brings. Anticipatory grief is real and acknowledging it is a gift that I gave myself. Those who have engaged in conversations about it with me have given me great perspective and a feeling of camaraderie in the hardest time of my life. Being able to actually grieve together is a gift. The thing that scares me most is not being here after I’m gone to hold the people I love in this life. I want to be here now and allow space for vulnerability about how hard this and everything else is. I want to engage in conversation more than the standard small talk of “how are you?” I want to spend every last moment I have intentionally with my loved ones.
As a reminder & note: please, don’t shy away from messaging me about anything because at the end of the day I just want to share with my people in their experiences and mine. So many people tell me they are here for me, but I am not sure i’ve made it clear that I’m here for you too.
HNY, KB