ease

I’ve been longing lately for something to feel easy. Life hasn’t felt easy. It has felt like an uphill battle. Everything lately has felt messy and hard. Even yesterday, another challenging day where I sat at the hospital for three hours for a treatment that involved me getting poked by three different needles searching for a viable vein. I’m so tired.

If I had less ambition and will to survive as long as possible, I’d give up these treatments just to figure out how to find some ease in my life.

I guess I’m just lost on how to move forward. I’m just lost lately. There’s too much all the damn time and sometimes I just wanna pack it all up and stop all the fucking noise. Even then, I’m sure I’d still have noise from people begging me to change my mind. It’s just hard. I’m just stuck in a space between the feeling of living life for me and living for others. I don’t want to fucking care anymore about what others want from me, but here I am, caring. It’s hard to remove them from the equation and make a decision for just myself.

I wish it was easier. I wish everything was easier. But I guess that’s what I’ve learned in my life, nothing comes easily, especially when it is meant for you. You have to fight for what you need, want, etc…. Advocating for yourself and what you need or want is just part of the fight to stay alive and true to yourself.

It just feels so hard all the damn time. I don’t know if I can keep up, but I’m trying.