gimme a break

I’m sitting in an extremely comfy chair in the hospital waiting for my Keytruda infusion. Every six weeks, I get poked and prodded to try and find a viable vein for an IV and bloodwork and today’s appointment was no exception.

Truth be told, I am exhausted. I’m tired of bloodwork, needles, and pills. I’m tired of not being able to sleep the way I used to. I am tired of body aches and pains. I am especially tired of bad things happening.

I’m tired of drama, conversations where people are not kind or gentle about what I am going through. I am so tired. I’m tired of the way things have been going for me. It’s been non-stop for as long as I can remember.

I know so many people go through their own trials and tribulations and I’m not the center of the world, but man, my story is long and complicated and full of so much hurt. I hate that this is the reality that I am stuck with. It feels like just a series of disappointments and unfortunate events with very few moments where I’ve been able to breathe easy.

I have to wonder if this is all some sort of punishment from a former life because I cannot fathom a reality where I deserve all this pain. I feel especially why me today, especially after the week I have had. None of this feels just and I am just sick of feeling this way. I don’t want to be upset or angry. I just want to move forward, but I get so stuck in this mentality every time something is challenging my normal go-with-the-flow attitude.

I just want a break from all the difficulties that life has and will continue to throw at me.

I keep trying to draw my attention back to what is going good.

Dusty is doing well after his surgery. My vet is going to make him their shop cat once I get too a point I cannot care for him further.

My nurse this morning told me that my chart is full of notes that tell whoever attends to me that I’m lovely toward everyone that interacts with me. It reminds me of how much I gushed my admiration for alll my care takers in the hospital.

It may not be much, but being known for how kind I am to others is a huge accomplishment.

Anyway, hoping for better soon.