an open letter to the woman that broke my heart

Hi,

I’m not sure if i’ll ever be able to reach you, but often I wish we could talk. We made our decisions and it sucks that things ended so poorly and abruptly. I felt so much betrayal when things went south between us. I really hate the way our relationship ended - how messy and cluttered it felt. I hate that the person I rebounded with destroyed every photo and piece of memorabilia I had of us. I hate that I will forever miss you and the way you made me feel. Of course, it wasn’t the love I had hoped for in the end, but it was a big love. A love that felt like destiny, a love to rattle the solar system, a love I had hoped to share with you for lifetimes.

I am writing you today because every day without you feels strange. I can’t seem to really move on from how big I loved you. All that happened, everything, I wish I could go back. All I ever wanted was you. I was deeply in love with you and I know you knew. I know it was uncomfortable to accept that love and when I tried to open up about it, it fell on deaf ears. I was no longer someone you wanted to talk to. I was no longer a priority In your life.

I imagine a time and space where the reaction was different, where maybe you wanted me too. Maybe in that timeline, we are together and happy and in love. I wish I could be there now - spending my remaining days holding you close.

The truth? I don’t know how or if I could love someone else the way I loved you. I loved you in a way that felt like life or death. Now that I’m literally dying, I don’t know how to hold the empty space you previously inhabited in my heart.

If I’m being really honest, as much as I have wanted to find someone new, my heart has never fully opened to the possibility since the day you left my life. I remember how desperate I was for you to stay the last time I saw you, how desperate I was to hold you. You were so quick to leave and it hurt. Another abandonment that I didn’t know how to swallow. All I wanted was for you to stay.

I’m different now. More fragile, more cautious, more shielded - hardened even. But I am also stronger. I’m not afraid of being vulnerable anymore. I’m not afraid to admit that, even though every single person in my life would be against it, I still miss you and want you all the time. I still want to talk to you, share with you my life, my experiences, my laughter. Life feels so empty without you sometimes.

I came here - to Portland - for you and I know you know that. Living here and not having you in my life anymore feels so weird and broken. Not having you here during this time of my life feels cruel and wrong. I’m not chasing you down. I’m not looking for you. But sometimes, I wish I had you here with me. I am not even trying to reach you, but I wish I could.

I wish I could’ve savored the last embrace I had with you. I wish I could do our last night over again so that it wouldn’t have blown up and pulled us apart. It feels like we have the whole Pacific Ocean in between us, but you live 4 miles from me.

I am always going to wish that in some other timeline, I get to grow old with you. I am always going to wish that you are with me in some capacity. I miss the space where you lived in my heart, my life. I wish I could call you and tell you any of this, but it is all too far gone now.

So I guess this is the goodbye I wish I could have had back then. One that conveys how much I love you. Your absence is felt in my life every day. I hope the next timeline is ours.