how we stay alive

From 2017 until my diagnosis, I used to rely on the more “woo woo” parts of spirituality – tarot and astrology – to help assist me in future planning. It helped me gain a sense of intuition surrounding the many unknowns of life and how I would be able to work on not letting the overwhelm of those moments overtake me.

Lately, I’ve been considering what heading back to utilizing those resources looks like for me in this era of life. I don’t know if it would help me by any means with my journey through grief, but what if?

I have gotten as far with acceptance that I can with the knowledge I have now. I am in acknowledgement that I will die. I acknowledge that it will happen for me before most of my loved ones. I acknowledge that this is my reality.

I don’t accept these things though, but acknowledgement feels like a form of acceptance – a way to allow forward momentum in my life.

I just think it may be impossible for anyone to fully acknowledge that one day, we will cease to exist. I feel so weird picturing life being lived without my presence. I should be there. I shouldn’t have to die earlier than normal.

Someday my stories won’t be told anymore. They say you die twice. Once when your physical body goes and last when your memory disappears from the minds of others.

I recently watched We Live In Time and the last scene reminded me of that saying. It’s the little things that are passed down generation to generation that keep us alive in the minds and hearts of others after we pass.

As always, I feel really deep in the weeds of grief and the unknown. As always, I’m wishing that there was a way to stay and go at the same time.