future forward

Well hello to my friends and family, and well, any stranger that has decided to find themselves here.

I woke up Monday morning to news that there is no growth and after a year of uncertainty and deep grief, I decided to live in a way I haven’t been living. A way that allows me to see a future. I don’t know how it came about, but I’m here.

I attended my therapies and appointments and by Wednesday, I was emailing my school to see if I could come back and finish my degree. I don’t know if I’ll do anything with it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to become a therapist. I don’t know anything, except that I want to have a future and I’m done giving into the notion that it’s impossible.

I booked trips to California, New York, Hawaii. I got tickets to see three of my favorite bands (Pom Pom Squad, Rilo Kiley, and, of course, Lucy Dacus), as well as tickets to see Oh, Mary! Cole Escola is a genius and I cannot wait to go see their masterpiece.

I woke up at six this morning and registered for my next class. I talked to my counselor about grad school.

As I shut the chapter on the past year of my life, I find myself invigorated and ready to make my life feel full again.

I haven’t felt much like I could look forward without acknowledging the extreme grief I’ve been experiencing until now. I find myself feeling like I’m holding all these different realities of what can be. For now, I will keep trying to find future. One that I can be proud of.

The legacy I want to leave doesn’t just exist in the pages of this blog, but in the memories that others have of me and me forfeiting early isn’t something I ever want to be associated with. I will live as much as I can. I will rest when needed. But for now, and maybe for the first time since last year, I feel like there’s more for me yet.