feeling safe

I reconnected with the first woman I dated recently and it’s stirred something in me. This person in my life, in every iteration of our relationship, has always made me feel safe and supported in ways I didn’t know that I deserved. Tonight it dawned on me that I am so willing to trust her as a safe space/person, but I rarely feel safe with myself these days. Maybe it’s because the body I am in & the time I spend thinking about what it’s going to do to me in the coming (hopefully) years.

I think it’s also because of everything I’ve experienced over the past few years. I tried to date someone who used me and threw me away like I meant nothing to them after ten years of best friendship. Then I rebounded hard to my abusive ex who tore me down constantly. They took away my power and robbed me of my trust for my intuition.

I think I’m scared to trust myself to make the right decisions a lot of the time. I’m scared shitless to trust others, to feel safe with others so much that I don’t feel safe with my decisions in regard to finding the type of companionship I crave. The safety and protection I feel from my now friend has brought up a lot of the hurt I’ve experienced from putting myself in unsafe situations with former friends and romantic partners.

I realize this is less about anyone else and more about me right now. It’s about how much I want to trust myself to make a decision that won’t end up with me hurting again on top of all the already difficult stuff I deal with. It’s about how much I want to feel safe with myself again - safe in my skin. I’m not sure I’ll ever have that feeling again.

Whatever happens, I hope I can find it within myself to appreciate the body I have and not feel as if it’s hurting me. I hope I can find love for my body and all it’s carried me through in life. I’m hopeful.