vulnerabilities

I never know where to begin with these entries. Lately I’m just trying to start up my life again. I’ve been spending more time with people that I love and care for. Spending more time breathing easy.

The last scan that I had on November 8th turned out to be better than I could have imagined. The cavity is shrinking, there was no growth, and the concerning tissue they’ve been monitoring just vanished. We are almost six months from when I finished my more intensive round of chemo and radiation and it seems like it’s working for now. It feels good, but I think I’m always waiting for the shoe to drop. My next scan will be on January 4th with results coming January 8th. I’m eager to get through this holiday season & experience what’s next.

The holidays are a slow down for me, always, but this past year even more. Last year I spent a lot of time alone. I isolated myself purposefully because I was so embarrassed of all that I had been through that year in my relationship. I hid from everyone because I didn’t want to feel the pity or sorrow about the dissolution of my last relationship. I was scared to find judgement in people around me. I really struggled with accepting community support due to the embarrassment I carried. I thought I’d be looked at with pity or maybe someone would give me a hard time when it was hard enough for me to wake up every day. So I isolated myself. I pushed people away and I hid from what I really needed: community and support.

I have thought about that period of the past year quite a bit because in the juxtaposition of where I’m at now, I don’t recognize myself. I was so unwilling to be open during that season of my life and now, all I can do and imagine doing is being open with how I feel.

How is anyone built to do anything alone in this life? I think America is very skewed in the way society tells us to experience big moments in life. I think the individualistic culture tends to isolate us in the way we feel and we are taught to self soothe and not accept the help or love we deserve in our harder moments. It’s been a hard journey to work through these parts of my life in isolation. I receive so much support in so many ways, but having cancer is isolating. The only way I know how to fight it is to talk about what it’s like. These words are more than random pairings for me. These words are my truth. They encompass my experience and gift me with growth and strength. It gifts me with the ability to be seen and heard. By speaking my truth, it ushers in the support that I’ve been needing from not only who reads this and encourages me, but the support I have gained from myself. Allowing myself the space to write about this experience has brought me strength.

I think it is so vital to tell our stories. Cautionary tale or not, it’s important to talk about your experiences because on some level, they will hopefully be found at a time when it was needed by someone who needs to hear your story.

I remember this art page I followed years ago that I found in stumbleupon. It was a woman named Asia who wrote love letters as an art project. She wrote I think in total 300 love letters to family, friends, herself, and others. When I found that site it softened me in a way I don’t fully know how to express. I’ve always been a romantic in ways, but reading these letters to different parts of her community made me truly curious about what love really is to people. She told her stories through these letters. The different layers of these letters showed her relationships and how they were changing daily. She chose vulnerability over shame for the things that were her deepest disappointments in life. And all that vulnerability led to a deeply supportive community.

I hope that my vulnerabilities can allow for something more for me. I hope it can open a door for others who are burdened by heartbreaks and others judgments. I hope that in some small way, these blogs I write can impact someone like me or maybe not like me at all. Just hoping that there is purpose for these words of mine.